This is random news with LOL battalion leader Nick G coming at you live from somewhere. An explanation of the dormancy, or phony war, that has occurred over the past 18 months will come if certain toilets oblige us. Needless to say, neither the LOL king, commander, nor Battalion leader have been involved in any large scale public battles...until now.
We expect that the phony war has been occurring because of the merps development of various new special weapons, consisting of guitar strings, drum kicks, swimming trunks, piano keys, and various other things. One of these weapons is not like the other, one of these weapons doesn't belong. Don't tell us which one's not alike because I'm not singing any damn song. At any rate, the use of said weaponry and a large dump truck has provided for an attack of asexual proportions which is occurring as of this writing. We know how it is occurring, but just how, we are not going to tell...This just in, it is a merp victory. The ultimate objective of this attack was to totally incapacitate the LOL king, that being trek_west. Not only have they incapacitate his LOL abilities, they have robbed our beloved trek_west of all but the ability to laugh. Please note that I say laugh, not LOL. At the most basic, they have converted Mr. trek_west into a clone of themselves.
The objective of this war has changed. Our ultimate objective is three fold.
- Most essentially, we need to recover trek_west in full.
- We need to return our faithful LOL commander to us.
- We need to banish the merps back to their lunar hideout, and insure that the squishy, in all its interminable non-diaphragmic glory, is totally destroyed, so that no mass merp attacks of this scale can happen again.
We don't think for a second that the merp race can be destroyed. We don't think even for a second that a small scale merp attack can't occur on one person. Suicides happen, you know. But to totally possess the first, and still only, solidified LOL, must be the act of a supreme conduit force. Our belief is that the squishy is the conduit for merp transmission in mass. Our first, and worst, example is this attack and merp Victory. A second example is the documented battles that occurred on This day. Even though that day was a LOL victory, this is still a prime example of the mass merp tactic, which was a foreshadow to many more "bad for yous" to come, which were not documented due to relative laziness and the sideways nature of the fighting, which is really saying something, considering that this conflict has always been upside down. But in so saying, we send out the following signals.
- jdx_random, our beloved LOL commander, and his even more beloved prostitution manager, signal us if you are out there. We need you now, in this battle, if ever we did.
- Our LOL queen, at least for now, we need you now. Come out of the "closet," noticed the quotes, and fight with us. Give us our help in locating the real LOL king. If you can't, who can?
- Our LOL in merp's clothing, though you have been a field commander more than any of us over the passed year, this is a call to arms for you, and everyone else in your LOL battalion.
- Everyone who fought with us on the streams, who fought with us in the Braille notes, who fought with us on moon, earth, and on high over the past two years, it is time to show us how much the LOL race, your race, means to you. Defend your race in this supreme time of toil and combat, as there will never be another combat so great between our kinds.
An inspirational quote from Winston Churchill, taken from the height of the battle of Britain.
Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few. All hearts go out to the fighter pilots, whose brilliant actions we see with
our own eyes day after day…
The LOL community must note that due to the success of todays merp massacre, we have no de jure LOL king. The LOL citizenry is asked to not take any orders that claim to be from the first solidified LOL/LOL king, under any circumstance. This is Nick G, Random news, somewhere.